Last night I had the most amazing dream ever. I dreamed that Seth and I were laying on our living room floor playing with our kids. In my dream our kids were our son Thomas that we share together and Nataleigh and Tayden who are mine and someone else’s. All the kids were the exact same kids but they were ours. Nothing really big happened in the dream other than us talking and laughing with the kids. When I woke up I just had this amazing feeling as if it had really happened. You know the type of feeling that you have after you spend a fantastic day with someone you care about or after doing something really fun. I had that feeling! As Naty would say "It made my heart feel super Happy!" and that is pretty much the only way I can describe how it made me feel =)
Even though it made my heart super happy to have dreamed about being with Seth and having "a family" together. I still have a love hate relationship with those dreams. I am super happy and have a warm fuzzy feeling all over... until I wake up, and try to fall back into that dream and can't. That is when I remember that its only a dream, and he is still gone. My heart aches and my mind doesn't stop wandering back to that dream, and I don't stop wishing that it could be true. And the worst part of all is how unbelievably real the dream feels. Like there are dreams, but then there are those dreams that feel so real that you swear it could have happened. Ever since Seth has been gone every single dream (aside from the really horrible ones I had right after) have felt SOOOOO real!!!
Its probably the goofiest damn thing anyone has ever heard but sometimes I think that maybe he can talk to me through my dreams. The absolute strangest dream that made me start wondering this came to me when I was pregnant with Naty before I even knew she was a girl. I know pregnancy dreams can be pretty crazy, but it wasn't only me that night that had a dream. In my dream I was telling Seth that I was pregnant, and I was really scared, and that I didn't think that I could do it, and I didn't want him to be mad at me. He assured me that everything was going to be just fine and SHE (yes he said she) was going to be the most beautiful baby, and he was going to make sure everything was going to be ok. He promised me and we hugged and kissed and he held me while I cried. At the end of the dream he told me he loved me and wasn't mad, but he had to get some rest, and he laid back down in his bed. Again this was a dream that felt SO real. Later on that morning I got a call from Brandon who was in Alaska. He was telling me how much he loved me and he knew he hadn't been treating me the best, but he was going to try really hard to change that. I was very confused and interested in what had brought all of this on. Since he had been in Alaska he had been SO mean to me, and I was really about ready to wash my hands of him. When he told me that he had a dream and some guy was telling him that he needed to change the way he was treating me or he was going to lose me and then he seen me laughing and holding hands with some other guy. I about had a heart attack!!! How weird is that!?!?
I know it does seem a little bit far fetched, but can dreams really be that coincidental? I don't care what anyone says I think Seth followed through with making sure of things. Don't get me wrong I do believe that Seth will one day go to heaven, but I think since he took his own life that maybe his rules are different. Or maybe I just still make up excuses to force myself into believing that he is still here or could be here!? Who knows!!!! The thought of him still being around kind of makes him not being here seem more bearable. I don't think anyone could ever understand just how much I miss Seth. Its been almost nine years, and I can honestly say that I have thought about him pretty close to every single day since then. Seth will always have a very special place in my heart!! Truth be told I am still grieving and I probably wont stop until I get to see him again! My dreams may only be my mind helping me cope, but they are my dreams and I can interpret them any way I choose!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Getting back onto the right path
The last couple of weeks I have started to going to church again. When I was younger my family went every Sunday. And ever since Seth passed we haven't really gone a whole lot. Of course when I was younger I never paid much attention to the sermons. Now that I am older I have started to listen and I can apply the message to things in my own life. Sunday before last the message was about Gods plan. The weirdest part of that was that before I had even made my decision to go to church something had made me start thinking about Gods plan. All on my own I just started thinking about it.
I am a single mother of two young children which is no easy task. I do everything on my own. I am the good guy & the bad guy, I pay the bills, clean the house, cook, and everything else inbetween all on my own. I was thinking about how I ended up in this situation. I thought of ways that I could have avoided it. The more and more I thought the more I realized how I would have been destined to meet my children’s father. One of my best guy friends from high school was good friends with my children’s fathers twin brother. One of my absolute best friends ever was their fathers roommate (which is how I did meet him). Brandon’s twin brothers fiancé' at the time is friends with tons of my friends that I went to college with. And my best girl friend at the time was really good friends with Brandon's best friends mother. And another of my girl friends was also good friends with Brandon’s best friends family. There were four likely ways that I was going to meet him. I am sure if I were to dig deeper there would be other possibilities. I am sure that each different path would have produced a different story but I bet each story would have produced the same children at the same times. I was in absolute amazement at the idea. I kind of just blew the whole thing off though.
A few days later I decided that this Sunday was the Sunday that my children and I were going to attend church. When the pastor started the sermon my jaw about hit the ground when he started to talk about Gods plan. Like I have said before I have never claimed to be overly religious in anyway, but was this Gods way of leading me back to him and helping me to renew my faith and trust in him? Maybe it was coincidental, but I really do think that it was Gods subtle way of reassuring me, and helping me to get back onto the right path in my life!
I am a single mother of two young children which is no easy task. I do everything on my own. I am the good guy & the bad guy, I pay the bills, clean the house, cook, and everything else inbetween all on my own. I was thinking about how I ended up in this situation. I thought of ways that I could have avoided it. The more and more I thought the more I realized how I would have been destined to meet my children’s father. One of my best guy friends from high school was good friends with my children’s fathers twin brother. One of my absolute best friends ever was their fathers roommate (which is how I did meet him). Brandon’s twin brothers fiancé' at the time is friends with tons of my friends that I went to college with. And my best girl friend at the time was really good friends with Brandon's best friends mother. And another of my girl friends was also good friends with Brandon’s best friends family. There were four likely ways that I was going to meet him. I am sure if I were to dig deeper there would be other possibilities. I am sure that each different path would have produced a different story but I bet each story would have produced the same children at the same times. I was in absolute amazement at the idea. I kind of just blew the whole thing off though.
A few days later I decided that this Sunday was the Sunday that my children and I were going to attend church. When the pastor started the sermon my jaw about hit the ground when he started to talk about Gods plan. Like I have said before I have never claimed to be overly religious in anyway, but was this Gods way of leading me back to him and helping me to renew my faith and trust in him? Maybe it was coincidental, but I really do think that it was Gods subtle way of reassuring me, and helping me to get back onto the right path in my life!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Gods Plan
I have always been religious. I have never been overly religious or claimed to be. I believe in God and I believe that those who believe shall have eternal and everlasting life. A couple of weekends ago I was cleaning my house and I was thinking about how everything happens for a reason and how God has got a plan and a direction for everyone. If God wants something to happen it will happen. There are things we wont like and there are things we will like. Everything is part of his grand plan.
When I was 14 I met my first love at vacation bible school at the church that my family had been attending for the last year. There was something about this boy, and our friendship turned into a relationship. It was the greatest relationship I have ever had in my life. I truely believe he was my "match made in heaven"! How perfectly planned out was it that we even met at church! I can not even begin to put into words the feelings of love and happiness that this boy brought into my life. The times I was with him are some of my fondest memories! After only dating for six months we learned that we were going to have a baby. We were both very young, but we knew we could do it, and we had every intention of making it work. We were cought off gaurd by the fast balls that were thrown at us because of our age diffrence. We were working through them the best we could. On November 7th, 2001 we brought our beautiful son Thomas Daniel into the world. Seth was such a proud new Daddy and he spent every moment that he could with me and our little boy. We were a very cute happy little family. After our son was born though we faced new life challenges that were very difficult. We were making it through them though and leaning on eachother. Some where a long the line Seth lost his focus and gave up. God called him to Heaven on January 13th, 2002. This was the most difficult time of my life. I lost my very best friend in the whole world that day. A part of me died that day and I will never get that back. I had a very hard time dealing with this for years. The way he left was very hard for me to grasp, and I hated everyone myself included, but most of all I hated God for taking Seth from me. It has been almost 9 years since that happened, and I have forgiven God and Seth. I finally started to understand that this was a part of Gods plan. It was one of the parts that I will never understand no matter how hard I search for the answers. To this very day though I find myself asking God how he could have taken someone who meant so much to me, and WHY of all the ways he could have gone did it have to be that way? I will never know the answer to those questions, but I do know that it plays a huge part of who I am today.
When I was 14 I met my first love at vacation bible school at the church that my family had been attending for the last year. There was something about this boy, and our friendship turned into a relationship. It was the greatest relationship I have ever had in my life. I truely believe he was my "match made in heaven"! How perfectly planned out was it that we even met at church! I can not even begin to put into words the feelings of love and happiness that this boy brought into my life. The times I was with him are some of my fondest memories! After only dating for six months we learned that we were going to have a baby. We were both very young, but we knew we could do it, and we had every intention of making it work. We were cought off gaurd by the fast balls that were thrown at us because of our age diffrence. We were working through them the best we could. On November 7th, 2001 we brought our beautiful son Thomas Daniel into the world. Seth was such a proud new Daddy and he spent every moment that he could with me and our little boy. We were a very cute happy little family. After our son was born though we faced new life challenges that were very difficult. We were making it through them though and leaning on eachother. Some where a long the line Seth lost his focus and gave up. God called him to Heaven on January 13th, 2002. This was the most difficult time of my life. I lost my very best friend in the whole world that day. A part of me died that day and I will never get that back. I had a very hard time dealing with this for years. The way he left was very hard for me to grasp, and I hated everyone myself included, but most of all I hated God for taking Seth from me. It has been almost 9 years since that happened, and I have forgiven God and Seth. I finally started to understand that this was a part of Gods plan. It was one of the parts that I will never understand no matter how hard I search for the answers. To this very day though I find myself asking God how he could have taken someone who meant so much to me, and WHY of all the ways he could have gone did it have to be that way? I will never know the answer to those questions, but I do know that it plays a huge part of who I am today.