Last night I had the most amazing dream ever. I dreamed that Seth and I were laying on our living room floor playing with our kids. In my dream our kids were our son Thomas that we share together and Nataleigh and Tayden who are mine and someone else’s. All the kids were the exact same kids but they were ours. Nothing really big happened in the dream other than us talking and laughing with the kids. When I woke up I just had this amazing feeling as if it had really happened. You know the type of feeling that you have after you spend a fantastic day with someone you care about or after doing something really fun. I had that feeling! As Naty would say "It made my heart feel super Happy!" and that is pretty much the only way I can describe how it made me feel =)
Even though it made my heart super happy to have dreamed about being with Seth and having "a family" together. I still have a love hate relationship with those dreams. I am super happy and have a warm fuzzy feeling all over... until I wake up, and try to fall back into that dream and can't. That is when I remember that its only a dream, and he is still gone. My heart aches and my mind doesn't stop wandering back to that dream, and I don't stop wishing that it could be true. And the worst part of all is how unbelievably real the dream feels. Like there are dreams, but then there are those dreams that feel so real that you swear it could have happened. Ever since Seth has been gone every single dream (aside from the really horrible ones I had right after) have felt SOOOOO real!!!
Its probably the goofiest damn thing anyone has ever heard but sometimes I think that maybe he can talk to me through my dreams. The absolute strangest dream that made me start wondering this came to me when I was pregnant with Naty before I even knew she was a girl. I know pregnancy dreams can be pretty crazy, but it wasn't only me that night that had a dream. In my dream I was telling Seth that I was pregnant, and I was really scared, and that I didn't think that I could do it, and I didn't want him to be mad at me. He assured me that everything was going to be just fine and SHE (yes he said she) was going to be the most beautiful baby, and he was going to make sure everything was going to be ok. He promised me and we hugged and kissed and he held me while I cried. At the end of the dream he told me he loved me and wasn't mad, but he had to get some rest, and he laid back down in his bed. Again this was a dream that felt SO real. Later on that morning I got a call from Brandon who was in Alaska. He was telling me how much he loved me and he knew he hadn't been treating me the best, but he was going to try really hard to change that. I was very confused and interested in what had brought all of this on. Since he had been in Alaska he had been SO mean to me, and I was really about ready to wash my hands of him. When he told me that he had a dream and some guy was telling him that he needed to change the way he was treating me or he was going to lose me and then he seen me laughing and holding hands with some other guy. I about had a heart attack!!! How weird is that!?!?
I know it does seem a little bit far fetched, but can dreams really be that coincidental? I don't care what anyone says I think Seth followed through with making sure of things. Don't get me wrong I do believe that Seth will one day go to heaven, but I think since he took his own life that maybe his rules are different. Or maybe I just still make up excuses to force myself into believing that he is still here or could be here!? Who knows!!!! The thought of him still being around kind of makes him not being here seem more bearable. I don't think anyone could ever understand just how much I miss Seth. Its been almost nine years, and I can honestly say that I have thought about him pretty close to every single day since then. Seth will always have a very special place in my heart!! Truth be told I am still grieving and I probably wont stop until I get to see him again! My dreams may only be my mind helping me cope, but they are my dreams and I can interpret them any way I choose!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Getting back onto the right path
The last couple of weeks I have started to going to church again. When I was younger my family went every Sunday. And ever since Seth passed we haven't really gone a whole lot. Of course when I was younger I never paid much attention to the sermons. Now that I am older I have started to listen and I can apply the message to things in my own life. Sunday before last the message was about Gods plan. The weirdest part of that was that before I had even made my decision to go to church something had made me start thinking about Gods plan. All on my own I just started thinking about it.
I am a single mother of two young children which is no easy task. I do everything on my own. I am the good guy & the bad guy, I pay the bills, clean the house, cook, and everything else inbetween all on my own. I was thinking about how I ended up in this situation. I thought of ways that I could have avoided it. The more and more I thought the more I realized how I would have been destined to meet my children’s father. One of my best guy friends from high school was good friends with my children’s fathers twin brother. One of my absolute best friends ever was their fathers roommate (which is how I did meet him). Brandon’s twin brothers fiancé' at the time is friends with tons of my friends that I went to college with. And my best girl friend at the time was really good friends with Brandon's best friends mother. And another of my girl friends was also good friends with Brandon’s best friends family. There were four likely ways that I was going to meet him. I am sure if I were to dig deeper there would be other possibilities. I am sure that each different path would have produced a different story but I bet each story would have produced the same children at the same times. I was in absolute amazement at the idea. I kind of just blew the whole thing off though.
A few days later I decided that this Sunday was the Sunday that my children and I were going to attend church. When the pastor started the sermon my jaw about hit the ground when he started to talk about Gods plan. Like I have said before I have never claimed to be overly religious in anyway, but was this Gods way of leading me back to him and helping me to renew my faith and trust in him? Maybe it was coincidental, but I really do think that it was Gods subtle way of reassuring me, and helping me to get back onto the right path in my life!
I am a single mother of two young children which is no easy task. I do everything on my own. I am the good guy & the bad guy, I pay the bills, clean the house, cook, and everything else inbetween all on my own. I was thinking about how I ended up in this situation. I thought of ways that I could have avoided it. The more and more I thought the more I realized how I would have been destined to meet my children’s father. One of my best guy friends from high school was good friends with my children’s fathers twin brother. One of my absolute best friends ever was their fathers roommate (which is how I did meet him). Brandon’s twin brothers fiancé' at the time is friends with tons of my friends that I went to college with. And my best girl friend at the time was really good friends with Brandon's best friends mother. And another of my girl friends was also good friends with Brandon’s best friends family. There were four likely ways that I was going to meet him. I am sure if I were to dig deeper there would be other possibilities. I am sure that each different path would have produced a different story but I bet each story would have produced the same children at the same times. I was in absolute amazement at the idea. I kind of just blew the whole thing off though.
A few days later I decided that this Sunday was the Sunday that my children and I were going to attend church. When the pastor started the sermon my jaw about hit the ground when he started to talk about Gods plan. Like I have said before I have never claimed to be overly religious in anyway, but was this Gods way of leading me back to him and helping me to renew my faith and trust in him? Maybe it was coincidental, but I really do think that it was Gods subtle way of reassuring me, and helping me to get back onto the right path in my life!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Gods Plan
I have always been religious. I have never been overly religious or claimed to be. I believe in God and I believe that those who believe shall have eternal and everlasting life. A couple of weekends ago I was cleaning my house and I was thinking about how everything happens for a reason and how God has got a plan and a direction for everyone. If God wants something to happen it will happen. There are things we wont like and there are things we will like. Everything is part of his grand plan.
When I was 14 I met my first love at vacation bible school at the church that my family had been attending for the last year. There was something about this boy, and our friendship turned into a relationship. It was the greatest relationship I have ever had in my life. I truely believe he was my "match made in heaven"! How perfectly planned out was it that we even met at church! I can not even begin to put into words the feelings of love and happiness that this boy brought into my life. The times I was with him are some of my fondest memories! After only dating for six months we learned that we were going to have a baby. We were both very young, but we knew we could do it, and we had every intention of making it work. We were cought off gaurd by the fast balls that were thrown at us because of our age diffrence. We were working through them the best we could. On November 7th, 2001 we brought our beautiful son Thomas Daniel into the world. Seth was such a proud new Daddy and he spent every moment that he could with me and our little boy. We were a very cute happy little family. After our son was born though we faced new life challenges that were very difficult. We were making it through them though and leaning on eachother. Some where a long the line Seth lost his focus and gave up. God called him to Heaven on January 13th, 2002. This was the most difficult time of my life. I lost my very best friend in the whole world that day. A part of me died that day and I will never get that back. I had a very hard time dealing with this for years. The way he left was very hard for me to grasp, and I hated everyone myself included, but most of all I hated God for taking Seth from me. It has been almost 9 years since that happened, and I have forgiven God and Seth. I finally started to understand that this was a part of Gods plan. It was one of the parts that I will never understand no matter how hard I search for the answers. To this very day though I find myself asking God how he could have taken someone who meant so much to me, and WHY of all the ways he could have gone did it have to be that way? I will never know the answer to those questions, but I do know that it plays a huge part of who I am today.
When I was 14 I met my first love at vacation bible school at the church that my family had been attending for the last year. There was something about this boy, and our friendship turned into a relationship. It was the greatest relationship I have ever had in my life. I truely believe he was my "match made in heaven"! How perfectly planned out was it that we even met at church! I can not even begin to put into words the feelings of love and happiness that this boy brought into my life. The times I was with him are some of my fondest memories! After only dating for six months we learned that we were going to have a baby. We were both very young, but we knew we could do it, and we had every intention of making it work. We were cought off gaurd by the fast balls that were thrown at us because of our age diffrence. We were working through them the best we could. On November 7th, 2001 we brought our beautiful son Thomas Daniel into the world. Seth was such a proud new Daddy and he spent every moment that he could with me and our little boy. We were a very cute happy little family. After our son was born though we faced new life challenges that were very difficult. We were making it through them though and leaning on eachother. Some where a long the line Seth lost his focus and gave up. God called him to Heaven on January 13th, 2002. This was the most difficult time of my life. I lost my very best friend in the whole world that day. A part of me died that day and I will never get that back. I had a very hard time dealing with this for years. The way he left was very hard for me to grasp, and I hated everyone myself included, but most of all I hated God for taking Seth from me. It has been almost 9 years since that happened, and I have forgiven God and Seth. I finally started to understand that this was a part of Gods plan. It was one of the parts that I will never understand no matter how hard I search for the answers. To this very day though I find myself asking God how he could have taken someone who meant so much to me, and WHY of all the ways he could have gone did it have to be that way? I will never know the answer to those questions, but I do know that it plays a huge part of who I am today.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I Love My Girly Friends
So I had a couple of really good heart to heart talks tonight with a couple of my dearest friends! I love you both so much and I am so glad that we could talk about these things without worrying what bitch was going to talk about them!! You 2 are the best!! MUAH I love you both <3
~*~ Megan ~*~ Me ~*~ Nickie ~*~
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Weekend Recap
So we had yet another fantastic weekend!!! We had a family get a way to the dells which was amazing! I finally got to go to Mt. Olympus! OMG it was so awesome I would recomend that place to anyone! The roller coasters were amazing! I can't wait to go back!!! We all got plenty of sun and had plenty of fun =) But the sun wore the kids down and they have been a little bit edgy today! Not to mention I am a little bit stressed out too. My locks were FINALLY changed today, and little did I know they were going to replace the door knob too. So now I have a weird door knob that I can't put one of those child lock things on. So I'm super stressing because I have no way to make sure that Naty wont wander out of her bed at night and walk right out the door. Does anyone know if they make child proof thingers for a door knob that isn't round? So in the mean time I blocked the door way off with chairs and stuff just to make sure. I'm super scared though because I used to sleep walk and sleep walking runs in the family. If anyone has any ideas please let me know!
On another note Tayden had his first Cheerios today!! Here are some of his adorable pitures! GAWD is he a handsome little man!
On another note Tayden had his first Cheerios today!! Here are some of his adorable pitures! GAWD is he a handsome little man!
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Word Less Wednesday
My princess Naty bug when we were shopping at Hollister this afternoon! She insisted she had to carry one of the bags! I swear she is 2 going on 14! They have a window looking thing and there is a picture thingy that is of a beach and the waves really move and you can hear it. Its really neat! When we walked by it Naty screams MOMMY MOMMY ITS THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN!!!
Link up to wordless Wednesday here http://millerracingfamily.blogspot.com/
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Big Girl Panties For Naty Bug
The weekend before last Ms. Naty decided that she was no longer going to be wearing pull ups. She came out of her bed room with no pants on and a pair of big girl underwear in her hand. She threw the underwear at me and demanded I help her put them on. It was 4th of July so we had tons of visiting to do and it was so hot and sticky I didn't want to deal with it. I tried to talk her out of it and explained why I didn't want to do it that day. She looked at me with the most ridiculous look ever and said "I WILL DO IT!" so I let her have her way. Ever since that day Naty has only worn like 2 pull ups and that is because day care was making her wear them at nap time last week. After this weekend with ZERO accidents I talked to her teacher, and she agreed not to put her in pull ups anymore! She is doing so incredibly well with this! I never thought potty training would be so easy! You always hear people say that when they are ready they will get it. And that is exactly what happened! I am so proud of her! Yesterday when we were at the mall she even told me she had to go potty, and that was in the midst of all the fun shopping we were doing! I just can't get over how awesome she is doing =) Yay for my little princess!!!
Monday, July 12, 2010
Wherever You Will Go
Eight years ago I lost my best friend in the whole world to suicide. I used to be really depressed about it, and was hardly able to function. Some how I managed to pull myself together and I can handle it gracefully now. Some days I don't even think about him once while others I think about him constantly. I always carry his lighter with me in my purse. It seems like a small little thing, but really it is huge. I smoked my first ciggerette with that lighter, and he smoked his last with it. After 8 years that lighter is still working and its just a cheapo bic lighter. Granted I don't use it very much and I won't let anyone else use it, but even still 8 years is a long life for a lighter!
Before he actually followed through with this he told me he was going to do it. I didn't believe him, I didn't think he was capable of such a thing. When he was talking about it this song came on the radio, and he said this song makes me think of what will happen to you after I am gone, and then he started singing along with the radio. I will never ever forget hearing him singing that to me. After he was gone whenever I would hear that song I would just stop and think of him like it was his way of letting me know that he is with me. I heard that song today while I was tanning, and it brought a tear to my eye, but a smile to my face knowing that he is somewhere thinking about me! I love you & miss you so much Seth Thomas <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAP9AF6DCu4
Before he actually followed through with this he told me he was going to do it. I didn't believe him, I didn't think he was capable of such a thing. When he was talking about it this song came on the radio, and he said this song makes me think of what will happen to you after I am gone, and then he started singing along with the radio. I will never ever forget hearing him singing that to me. After he was gone whenever I would hear that song I would just stop and think of him like it was his way of letting me know that he is with me. I heard that song today while I was tanning, and it brought a tear to my eye, but a smile to my face knowing that he is somewhere thinking about me! I love you & miss you so much Seth Thomas <3
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iAP9AF6DCu4
An Amazing Weekend!!
This weekend was the most amazing weekend that I have had in a long time!!! On Friday when I checked my facebook I had a message from my X boy friend Jason asking me if I would be up for doing a DJ gig at a bar called The Whistle Stop in Weyerhaeuser, WI. Him & I did a gig there a couple years ago & it was a blast!
So Friday night I hung out with my boy friend Mike and he made homemade lasagna for dinner, and then we had the most amazing wine I have ever had in my life! Wined & Dined ; P I told him about going with Jason and I totally expected him to be like um no bad idea. But he didn't even mind! I guess it was kind of a shocker since we have only been together for like six ish weeks or something like that.
On Saturday morning Jason was here by 10am like an excited little child! He lives in Eau Claire so thats a good little drive! We packed Naty & Tay in his suburban along with his daughter Katie & son Kaleb. His mom & his sisters watched our four kids for us which was pretty awesome of them! Its kinda crazy that we have that many kids when we get together! When we used to date everyone used to say we were going to be the Brady Bunch! We had a fantastic time catching up on things on our way up and we had an even better time while we were there! Jason got new equipment which is super exciting! I could safely say that DJing with him is one of my greatest past times ever! We always have a ton of fun! He even made sure that he had my Tila Tequila songs up for Karaoke which I was SUPER happy he remembered! This is one of my fav songs to do http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4k9wXuN4fs We had such a great time & I can't wait to do another gig!! We had an awesome time, listened to great music, drank for free, and got paid $500 working 7pm-bar close!! HELLZ YEAH!!!!!!!!!
On Sunday morning I woke up at Jasons uncles house hung over as hell & what do these boys think they are going to do but go drink some beer and fish at like 8 in the hungover morning....Are you kidding me!? So I spent most of the day on this rickety pontoon boat tagging along with them because I didn't want to sit in the house by myself. I could have thought of a million better things to have been doing, but I figured I might as well make the best of it. So I sat there and "fished" with them and shot the shit which was really fun. Kind of made me miss his family they were always a good time!!
I promised myself once I got the money and got within 15#s of pre Tayden weight that I could start tanning again! So indeed that is what I did! I bought some super new bronzing lotions and some really cool stuff for after I shower &&& it came with this totally amazing hot pink metalic bag as a bonus! Could I really have asked for anything more!??! Of course I could so after work today the kiddos and I hit the mall to do some damage! Which we really didn't do so bad got some amazing deals! I was SUPER excited when we stopped at Holister & I actually fit into their clothes! Not only did I fit but I fit into a size medium top! Hellz yeah after 3 kids I must say I am looking pretty damn good! It meant a lot more to fit into the brand new size medium shirts than the ones I already had because I just figured they were hella strechted out because I made those suckers fit around that prego belly for the first six months =)Oh yeah and I can't forget that I got to see a photo of a whale swimming in the mississippi! No joke people it was real!! I just hope my week keeps going this well!
So Friday night I hung out with my boy friend Mike and he made homemade lasagna for dinner, and then we had the most amazing wine I have ever had in my life! Wined & Dined ; P I told him about going with Jason and I totally expected him to be like um no bad idea. But he didn't even mind! I guess it was kind of a shocker since we have only been together for like six ish weeks or something like that.
On Saturday morning Jason was here by 10am like an excited little child! He lives in Eau Claire so thats a good little drive! We packed Naty & Tay in his suburban along with his daughter Katie & son Kaleb. His mom & his sisters watched our four kids for us which was pretty awesome of them! Its kinda crazy that we have that many kids when we get together! When we used to date everyone used to say we were going to be the Brady Bunch! We had a fantastic time catching up on things on our way up and we had an even better time while we were there! Jason got new equipment which is super exciting! I could safely say that DJing with him is one of my greatest past times ever! We always have a ton of fun! He even made sure that he had my Tila Tequila songs up for Karaoke which I was SUPER happy he remembered! This is one of my fav songs to do http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g4k9wXuN4fs We had such a great time & I can't wait to do another gig!! We had an awesome time, listened to great music, drank for free, and got paid $500 working 7pm-bar close!! HELLZ YEAH!!!!!!!!!
On Sunday morning I woke up at Jasons uncles house hung over as hell & what do these boys think they are going to do but go drink some beer and fish at like 8 in the hungover morning....Are you kidding me!? So I spent most of the day on this rickety pontoon boat tagging along with them because I didn't want to sit in the house by myself. I could have thought of a million better things to have been doing, but I figured I might as well make the best of it. So I sat there and "fished" with them and shot the shit which was really fun. Kind of made me miss his family they were always a good time!!
I promised myself once I got the money and got within 15#s of pre Tayden weight that I could start tanning again! So indeed that is what I did! I bought some super new bronzing lotions and some really cool stuff for after I shower &&& it came with this totally amazing hot pink metalic bag as a bonus! Could I really have asked for anything more!??! Of course I could so after work today the kiddos and I hit the mall to do some damage! Which we really didn't do so bad got some amazing deals! I was SUPER excited when we stopped at Holister & I actually fit into their clothes! Not only did I fit but I fit into a size medium top! Hellz yeah after 3 kids I must say I am looking pretty damn good! It meant a lot more to fit into the brand new size medium shirts than the ones I already had because I just figured they were hella strechted out because I made those suckers fit around that prego belly for the first six months =)Oh yeah and I can't forget that I got to see a photo of a whale swimming in the mississippi! No joke people it was real!! I just hope my week keeps going this well!
Monday, July 5, 2010
This is the side of the story that they didn't want you to hear...
My X and his family are completely freaking out of their minds. I am really tired of hearing all the shit they talk about me. Ya know for people who don't want drama they sure do start a lot of it. What it really boils down to is they really have no life and they know that if they say some stupid shit I am going to say something back to them, and give them something to do with their meaningless lives. And every time I catch them talking shit about me I confront them and they claim they are talking about someone else! LOL OK! His mother also thinks that I shouldn't have a voice because she doesn't want people to know the whole story. She only wants people to hear what she has to say about it. Sorry bitch I do have a voice & you better believe that I am going to use it!!!
When I first met my x he never really did a whole lot with his family. He always told me how he hated his parents because he felt like they favored his brother & sister over him, and any time they all were ever together he felt like he didn't belong. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant we went to his parents to pick up some of his things, and when we got there his parents were grilling out with his brother & sister & her BF and they never even called to ask him. When we left he was like see this is what I am talking about they don't care if I am in this family or not. It was really pretty sad hearing all of the things he told me about and it made my heart break for him. And now it makes sense why he treats his kids that way because that was how he was treated.
When the x and I had our daughter Nataleigh his family could not even be bothered to come up to the hospital to see her, and they live like 5 blocks away. They were even invited to dinner at our house the night that we brought her home. We were told no we can't go I have to go get dog food. UM...WTF does dog food have to do with you coming to see your grand daughter? Needless to say no one seen Nataleigh until she was over 3 weeks old. I could see that happening if they lived far away, but they didn't there was really no excuse for it. When Naty was 3 months old x and I split because he hit me and I was not going to deal with that. I called his mom and told her what happened and she flat out said that I was lying. Why the hell would I lie about something like that? He went 9 whole months without seeing our daughter it was completely ridiculous. The whole time I would always ask if he wanted to take her for awhile or even just see her. I really would have enjoyed having some free time, so I would ask him weekly. Well every once in a while he would say that he would take her or come see her, but then he would ALWAYS back out. After 4 months he changed his phone number, and totally disappeared and there was ZERO contact with him until 5 months later when I contacted him on My space asking him he wanted to see his daughter yet. Pretty pathetic huh!? In those 5 months of no contact though I was accused of fucking up his car. Um OK for one I had a boyfriend who lived over an hour away and I was usually up there at his place for any down time that I had on the weekends and stuff. Other than that I was working a full time job and going to school full time plus raising our daughter. I didn't even have time to think about anything else let alone act on something as dumb as that! A detective came to my house and interviewed me about it I was like are you freaking kidding me I haven't even talked to him in months. His family still insists that I did it! I also apparently am a stalker because I go to the gas station that is right by the kids' day care and also on my way to work, but is also by their house to. LOL one time I told x that I refused to go over to his mothers house because his other baby mama was there (her & I don't get a long at all) I told him that if I drove over there and her car was there I would not even stop. The next thing I knew my mom was calling me saying that his mother just called her & told her that I was watching their house! LMFAO are for real lady go get your head checked!!!
So after he and I started talking again he convinced me he had changed and blah blah blah. Well shockingly enough the moron didn't change a bit still the same shit except even worse than it ever was before. There is another blog about it on here. He beat the shit out of me and he told his parents that I beat myself up and they honest to god believe that! Anything he says to them is the truth apparently. Then we find out that I am pregnant, and loser boy tells his parents that I am ling and I am not even pregnant. They believed that too! Despite having a no contact him and I stayed together because I had my head up my ass and thought that I loved him oh so much. The 3 of us even lived with his parents from November until January. Now if I am such a raving psychotic bitch that does all of these crazy things then why the hell would you let me live with you!?
So x and I have split again and this time it is for real. I just woke up and realized that I couldn't keep living my life the way I was. I didn't want my kids growing up thinking that the way he treated me was OK. So since we have split someone told me that he was saying that I was not allowing him to see the kids which was not the case! He wasn't even asking. So I started texting him or calling to see if he wanted to spend some time with his kids. All of these calls and text messages were never responded to and the few times he did respond and make plans he backed out. And even then his plans only consisted of taking our daughter not his son. He doesn't want anything to do with him because he is a baby. I asked him one time why can't you just take them both and he told me "because its too much work!" get the fuck out of here what do you think I do by myself day in and day out! UGH what a loser. Anyway I knew we had been down this road, so I documented every single time a text/call was unanswered and every time he has backed out since. But still one of their family friends is telling me that she is raving about how I have backed out on letting him take Naty over night. Are you kidding me!? I would love for him to take both or one of the kids so that I can have a night off! After all he has every night off! And I'm not going to lie it pisses me right off to know that he is out having fun while I do all the work and he doesn't even have a full time job. I got $12 for 2 weeks of child support. Yep that cover a lot. And I get even more mad when he is drinking. He is on a no drink for all the domestic crap, but yet he still does it & smokes up with his dad and brother all the time but gets away with it because of this vitamin thing that naturally cleans your system. Its just not fair and his family all seem to be OK with the fact that he is a dead beat!
This weekend his sister wrote a blog about this other woman who isn't receiving child support and so on and she felt so bad for her. I commented on it and was like um wtf your very own brother is doing this to me so what is the difference between the two situations because you don't seem to care that this is happening to your own flesh and blood. She called the freaking cops on me LOL when I got that call I about died! She told him that I was cussing her out in the blog! So I emailed him my screen shots just to make sure that nothing was added to what I had written. With her doing that she only let me know that shes more than likely the one who called the cops to try and have me arrested in April. I had gotten a ticket for driving with expired plates because I couldn't afford to renew them and I had a warrant for that. So Naty & I are sitting down eating dinner when I just happened to see a police officer drive up and park right behind my car. He drove off and just a few minutes later was knocking on my door. I answered the door with Tayden on my hip and Naty was screaming at the table that she didn't want to eat, and he was like UM is anyone else home with you!? Nope just us! Sure it could have been a random tag check but my vehicle is registered in my parents names and also my address was never updated and I had just moved into this place not long before. So someone gave them my address how else would he have known exactly which apartment to go to!? That event happened on a Thursday which was my payday so I was able to get myself out of that mess by using my entire paycheck to pay that off, but I was left with no money. So I called the father of the year to see if he could get diapers for Naty because she was totally out. Later that night his jem of a mother brought over a bag of diapers that his sister had left at her house that were 2 sizes too small for Naty and gave them to me after she stood outside my door chewing my ass for 20 minutes! NICE!!! And that is the woman that backed out of watching the kids 12 hours before I had to begin my 7am shift. I ended up driving them to my oldest sons Grandparents house which is a little over an hour away so I had to leave my house by 4am. Even though she did that how dare I say that she doesn't help me lol wtf I get no help from her. It wasn't long after the whole diaper episode thing happened that I asked his sister if she could give Nataleigh her little magna doodle thing that I gave her money to buy the day after Thanksgiving (which she conveniently forgot at Christmas) because father of the year didn't want to wait any longer in the line & I was 8 months pregnant and in no shape to fight the crowds all night with his sister, so we left her with it. She tells me you can come pick it up from me (1/2 hour from where I live) and don't forget to pay me back for the diapers! WTF ask your brother for that seriously!?!??!?!
I don't know maybe I am psycho I should be paying for every last thing for these kids and I should never ask them to help nor should I ever voice my opinion on how fucked up I think they are! I don't care think what you will its not my problem! I will always think they are a bunch of 2 faced bitches!
Here is the link to the comments I cussed his sister out in LOL
http://carissa8402.blogspot.com/2010/06/hitting-new-low.html
When I first met my x he never really did a whole lot with his family. He always told me how he hated his parents because he felt like they favored his brother & sister over him, and any time they all were ever together he felt like he didn't belong. Shortly after I found out I was pregnant we went to his parents to pick up some of his things, and when we got there his parents were grilling out with his brother & sister & her BF and they never even called to ask him. When we left he was like see this is what I am talking about they don't care if I am in this family or not. It was really pretty sad hearing all of the things he told me about and it made my heart break for him. And now it makes sense why he treats his kids that way because that was how he was treated.
When the x and I had our daughter Nataleigh his family could not even be bothered to come up to the hospital to see her, and they live like 5 blocks away. They were even invited to dinner at our house the night that we brought her home. We were told no we can't go I have to go get dog food. UM...WTF does dog food have to do with you coming to see your grand daughter? Needless to say no one seen Nataleigh until she was over 3 weeks old. I could see that happening if they lived far away, but they didn't there was really no excuse for it. When Naty was 3 months old x and I split because he hit me and I was not going to deal with that. I called his mom and told her what happened and she flat out said that I was lying. Why the hell would I lie about something like that? He went 9 whole months without seeing our daughter it was completely ridiculous. The whole time I would always ask if he wanted to take her for awhile or even just see her. I really would have enjoyed having some free time, so I would ask him weekly. Well every once in a while he would say that he would take her or come see her, but then he would ALWAYS back out. After 4 months he changed his phone number, and totally disappeared and there was ZERO contact with him until 5 months later when I contacted him on My space asking him he wanted to see his daughter yet. Pretty pathetic huh!? In those 5 months of no contact though I was accused of fucking up his car. Um OK for one I had a boyfriend who lived over an hour away and I was usually up there at his place for any down time that I had on the weekends and stuff. Other than that I was working a full time job and going to school full time plus raising our daughter. I didn't even have time to think about anything else let alone act on something as dumb as that! A detective came to my house and interviewed me about it I was like are you freaking kidding me I haven't even talked to him in months. His family still insists that I did it! I also apparently am a stalker because I go to the gas station that is right by the kids' day care and also on my way to work, but is also by their house to. LOL one time I told x that I refused to go over to his mothers house because his other baby mama was there (her & I don't get a long at all) I told him that if I drove over there and her car was there I would not even stop. The next thing I knew my mom was calling me saying that his mother just called her & told her that I was watching their house! LMFAO are for real lady go get your head checked!!!
So after he and I started talking again he convinced me he had changed and blah blah blah. Well shockingly enough the moron didn't change a bit still the same shit except even worse than it ever was before. There is another blog about it on here. He beat the shit out of me and he told his parents that I beat myself up and they honest to god believe that! Anything he says to them is the truth apparently. Then we find out that I am pregnant, and loser boy tells his parents that I am ling and I am not even pregnant. They believed that too! Despite having a no contact him and I stayed together because I had my head up my ass and thought that I loved him oh so much. The 3 of us even lived with his parents from November until January. Now if I am such a raving psychotic bitch that does all of these crazy things then why the hell would you let me live with you!?
So x and I have split again and this time it is for real. I just woke up and realized that I couldn't keep living my life the way I was. I didn't want my kids growing up thinking that the way he treated me was OK. So since we have split someone told me that he was saying that I was not allowing him to see the kids which was not the case! He wasn't even asking. So I started texting him or calling to see if he wanted to spend some time with his kids. All of these calls and text messages were never responded to and the few times he did respond and make plans he backed out. And even then his plans only consisted of taking our daughter not his son. He doesn't want anything to do with him because he is a baby. I asked him one time why can't you just take them both and he told me "because its too much work!" get the fuck out of here what do you think I do by myself day in and day out! UGH what a loser. Anyway I knew we had been down this road, so I documented every single time a text/call was unanswered and every time he has backed out since. But still one of their family friends is telling me that she is raving about how I have backed out on letting him take Naty over night. Are you kidding me!? I would love for him to take both or one of the kids so that I can have a night off! After all he has every night off! And I'm not going to lie it pisses me right off to know that he is out having fun while I do all the work and he doesn't even have a full time job. I got $12 for 2 weeks of child support. Yep that cover a lot. And I get even more mad when he is drinking. He is on a no drink for all the domestic crap, but yet he still does it & smokes up with his dad and brother all the time but gets away with it because of this vitamin thing that naturally cleans your system. Its just not fair and his family all seem to be OK with the fact that he is a dead beat!
This weekend his sister wrote a blog about this other woman who isn't receiving child support and so on and she felt so bad for her. I commented on it and was like um wtf your very own brother is doing this to me so what is the difference between the two situations because you don't seem to care that this is happening to your own flesh and blood. She called the freaking cops on me LOL when I got that call I about died! She told him that I was cussing her out in the blog! So I emailed him my screen shots just to make sure that nothing was added to what I had written. With her doing that she only let me know that shes more than likely the one who called the cops to try and have me arrested in April. I had gotten a ticket for driving with expired plates because I couldn't afford to renew them and I had a warrant for that. So Naty & I are sitting down eating dinner when I just happened to see a police officer drive up and park right behind my car. He drove off and just a few minutes later was knocking on my door. I answered the door with Tayden on my hip and Naty was screaming at the table that she didn't want to eat, and he was like UM is anyone else home with you!? Nope just us! Sure it could have been a random tag check but my vehicle is registered in my parents names and also my address was never updated and I had just moved into this place not long before. So someone gave them my address how else would he have known exactly which apartment to go to!? That event happened on a Thursday which was my payday so I was able to get myself out of that mess by using my entire paycheck to pay that off, but I was left with no money. So I called the father of the year to see if he could get diapers for Naty because she was totally out. Later that night his jem of a mother brought over a bag of diapers that his sister had left at her house that were 2 sizes too small for Naty and gave them to me after she stood outside my door chewing my ass for 20 minutes! NICE!!! And that is the woman that backed out of watching the kids 12 hours before I had to begin my 7am shift. I ended up driving them to my oldest sons Grandparents house which is a little over an hour away so I had to leave my house by 4am. Even though she did that how dare I say that she doesn't help me lol wtf I get no help from her. It wasn't long after the whole diaper episode thing happened that I asked his sister if she could give Nataleigh her little magna doodle thing that I gave her money to buy the day after Thanksgiving (which she conveniently forgot at Christmas) because father of the year didn't want to wait any longer in the line & I was 8 months pregnant and in no shape to fight the crowds all night with his sister, so we left her with it. She tells me you can come pick it up from me (1/2 hour from where I live) and don't forget to pay me back for the diapers! WTF ask your brother for that seriously!?!??!?!
I don't know maybe I am psycho I should be paying for every last thing for these kids and I should never ask them to help nor should I ever voice my opinion on how fucked up I think they are! I don't care think what you will its not my problem! I will always think they are a bunch of 2 faced bitches!
Here is the link to the comments I cussed his sister out in LOL
http://carissa8402.blogspot.com/2010/06/hitting-new-low.html
Friday, July 2, 2010
Fawk You Friday
1. Fawk you stupid lady that walks her ugly dog in the middle of the road every morning!!!
2. Fawk you huggies your pull ups are a joke!!
3. Fawk you stupid germs that keep getting my baby boy sick :(
4. Fawk my kids sperm donors side of the family you all suck at life & should be ashamed of yourselves denying 2 kids like that.
5. Fawk moms who condone their son being a dead beat & encouraging him to abandon his children
6. Fawk selfish people
7. Fawk working right next to riverfest & wanting to leave & go have fun!!! I wanna go Sing karaoke too!!!!
8. Fawk charter & their stupid on demand that NEVER works!!!
9. And most of all Fawk $$$ you're always messing up my day!!
Wow that's a whole lot of negativity right there!!! Thank god I get a break tonight to relieve some stress!!!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Back In my day...
Growing up my parents were pretty strict. I hated it then, but now that I have grown up and have children of my own I understand why they did some of the things that they did. I will be the first to admit that my parents spoiled us probably more than we deserved sometimes. They always made sure that we got whatever we wanted or needed. We have always taken fun family vacations‘. Don’t get me wrong we were not spoiled rotten brats, we were raised with manners and to respect others, and to take care of our responsibilities.
My friends use to call my mom the Nazi because she was always making sure our chores, and homework were done. She had her opinions on our friends that she made known. If my mom didn’t like them she wouldn’t let us do anything with them. Back then I hated her for it, but I understand everything now. Dad was usually the go to man to with any complaint about mom because we were Daddys little girls and he protected us from our mean Mommy lol...but there were times that didn't always work!
She gave us chores to teach us responsibility and also to help us learn how to care of a home we would some day have. Which I am so glad that I learned then instead of waiting until now. Because of that I know how to clean and keep my home nice and organized. I am so grateful for that because with two little ones it is easier to know that everything has its place and in its place is where you will find it!
There were some times that I absolutely hated my parents and could not fathom why they would “treat” me like that. Some things seemed like they were so unfair at the time. When I was in middle school I hated my art class with a passion. I hated the teacher even more. She was a lesbian and I thought that was the most repulsive thing ever, and avoided all possible contact with her. I ended up failing that class two quarters in a row because of that. My parents didn’t buy my excuses and I was grounded from all of my music until the next report card. They might as well have shot me in the middle of the street! Music was my life I LOVED IT! So finally I got sick of being without it and sucked it up and managed to pull an A for the following quarter! Not only did that teach me a lesson about doing what needs to be done to get what you want, it taught me that I can not be so judgmental on people. I can not imagine how hard it must have been for my parents to keep up with me and make sure that I was not sneaking c.d players into the house. I got busted every time I did it! It may not have seemed like I learned anything from those lessons back in the day then or maybe even now, but I know eventually everything will all make perfect sense!
My parents have done so much for me and I am so grateful to have them! They have been there for me through thick and thin, and helped me with some things that are way above and beyond their call of duty. Like raising my son is the greatest thing that they have done, and they didn’t have to. They did it because they wanted to, to make sure that I succeeded and was able to have a full and happy life, and so that my son could have that too. They have also given me a place to stay when I have been down on my luck. And they have helped me so much with my two kids that I have now! More than I can say that their other half the family has ever considered helping with. There have been some times when I seriously have counted all of my change up and put it in the gas tank, just so I could go to work, but then was left with no money for diapers or wipes for the kids, or daycare fees. I am not the type of person who is going to say Hey I need some help can you barrow me some money. That just is not me, I don’t like feeling like I can not provide for my family. My parents just have this intuition and they are like Hey I know you need this, and I am going to help you with it even if you don’t want me to. I don’t think my parents could ever understand how much it means to me when they help me!
Some people are just so clueless and take things like that for granted. I hate when I hear people whining and complaining about how much they can’t stand someone, but when you look at the bigger picture that someone they can’t stand is the only reason they have a roof over their head and money in their pocket. Because they care about them enough to support them because they are too lazy to go find a job or are too busy doing other things to realize what they have. It really is sad how some people give and give and in the end they get treated like the bad one.
My friends use to call my mom the Nazi because she was always making sure our chores, and homework were done. She had her opinions on our friends that she made known. If my mom didn’t like them she wouldn’t let us do anything with them. Back then I hated her for it, but I understand everything now. Dad was usually the go to man to with any complaint about mom because we were Daddys little girls and he protected us from our mean Mommy lol...but there were times that didn't always work!
She gave us chores to teach us responsibility and also to help us learn how to care of a home we would some day have. Which I am so glad that I learned then instead of waiting until now. Because of that I know how to clean and keep my home nice and organized. I am so grateful for that because with two little ones it is easier to know that everything has its place and in its place is where you will find it!
There were some times that I absolutely hated my parents and could not fathom why they would “treat” me like that. Some things seemed like they were so unfair at the time. When I was in middle school I hated my art class with a passion. I hated the teacher even more. She was a lesbian and I thought that was the most repulsive thing ever, and avoided all possible contact with her. I ended up failing that class two quarters in a row because of that. My parents didn’t buy my excuses and I was grounded from all of my music until the next report card. They might as well have shot me in the middle of the street! Music was my life I LOVED IT! So finally I got sick of being without it and sucked it up and managed to pull an A for the following quarter! Not only did that teach me a lesson about doing what needs to be done to get what you want, it taught me that I can not be so judgmental on people. I can not imagine how hard it must have been for my parents to keep up with me and make sure that I was not sneaking c.d players into the house. I got busted every time I did it! It may not have seemed like I learned anything from those lessons back in the day then or maybe even now, but I know eventually everything will all make perfect sense!
My parents have done so much for me and I am so grateful to have them! They have been there for me through thick and thin, and helped me with some things that are way above and beyond their call of duty. Like raising my son is the greatest thing that they have done, and they didn’t have to. They did it because they wanted to, to make sure that I succeeded and was able to have a full and happy life, and so that my son could have that too. They have also given me a place to stay when I have been down on my luck. And they have helped me so much with my two kids that I have now! More than I can say that their other half the family has ever considered helping with. There have been some times when I seriously have counted all of my change up and put it in the gas tank, just so I could go to work, but then was left with no money for diapers or wipes for the kids, or daycare fees. I am not the type of person who is going to say Hey I need some help can you barrow me some money. That just is not me, I don’t like feeling like I can not provide for my family. My parents just have this intuition and they are like Hey I know you need this, and I am going to help you with it even if you don’t want me to. I don’t think my parents could ever understand how much it means to me when they help me!
Some people are just so clueless and take things like that for granted. I hate when I hear people whining and complaining about how much they can’t stand someone, but when you look at the bigger picture that someone they can’t stand is the only reason they have a roof over their head and money in their pocket. Because they care about them enough to support them because they are too lazy to go find a job or are too busy doing other things to realize what they have. It really is sad how some people give and give and in the end they get treated like the bad one.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Not Enough Hours In The Day
After I get my little snuggle bugs all settled into their beds for the night I am a free woman! I have no one nagging at me, Mommy I need this, Mommy I spilled, Mommy Mommy Mommy, and Waaa Waaa Waaa!!! I love my kiddos to pieces, but by the end of the day Mommy is all Mommied out!
Now that I am all by myself it is much easier to enjoy my free time at night! I can do whatever I want however I want! If I want to drink a glass of wine, or two ... or three I can! If I want to spend my night cleaning and doing laundry I will. If I want to catch up on gossip and trash talk on face book and blog sites I will. I want to look at craigs list for hours looking for junk I didn't really know I needed I can! If I want to watch all of my ridiculous reality shows that I love so much I will! And NO ONE will stop me...as long as I still have 2 sleeping children! I just wish I had more hours that were free so that I could do more of those things!
So for my free time tonight I am going to write a new blog or two! Perhaps I will "stalk" your blog & leave you some comments! We shall see where my hour of free time takes me =)
Now that I am all by myself it is much easier to enjoy my free time at night! I can do whatever I want however I want! If I want to drink a glass of wine, or two ... or three I can! If I want to spend my night cleaning and doing laundry I will. If I want to catch up on gossip and trash talk on face book and blog sites I will. I want to look at craigs list for hours looking for junk I didn't really know I needed I can! If I want to watch all of my ridiculous reality shows that I love so much I will! And NO ONE will stop me...as long as I still have 2 sleeping children! I just wish I had more hours that were free so that I could do more of those things!
So for my free time tonight I am going to write a new blog or two! Perhaps I will "stalk" your blog & leave you some comments! We shall see where my hour of free time takes me =)
Friday, May 14, 2010
Open Your Eyes
I have a really high tolerance for people and their crap. I constantly put up with way more than I should from people & I typically let people walk all over me. Like my ex I let him walk all over me all the time. Our relationship was a really bad one it was emotionally and physically abusive and I am just glad that I found the courage to walk away from all of that before anyone was seriously hurt.
Having been through this I now understand why domestic violence is such a hard thing for people to come to terms with. No one wants to say anything about it because they are afraid no one will believe them. Which is exactly what happens. Been there done that & that is why their fathers side of the family have shunned my kids. Its like because they can not open their eyes enough to realize the hell he has put me through they just insist that I am a liar. They all know that he has a huge anger problem too, but it is inconceivable that he would EVER hit me in their eyes. The police have recordings of the phone conversations we had they have pictures of the bruises and cuts all over my body, but they really really believe that I "beat myself up"!? Talk about in denial! Why the hell would I have any motive to beat myself up on a weekly basis!? They always fall back to then why did you keep going back to him. Honestly I really don't know why I did I just felt like I needed him to be whole and I couldn't live without him. After talking with some women at the women's shelter they have here I learned that it is not uncommon for women to go back to their abusers. It is called battered women's syndrome, and it happens in most domestic violence cases. Hence the reason why the judge refused to remove the no contact order.
I feel really bad for my kids because I was only trying to protect them but in doing, so now they only have my side of the family. Regardless of if they think that I am lieing or not how could they take it out on the kids. Is it really like they asked to have a messed up family life...no they didn't. It just really pisses me off that she can acknowledge 2 of her grand kids but leaves mine out as well as her oldest grandson. But what else can I do I have put my efforts in for her to be there and be a Grandmother to my kids but she refuses. I guess it just comes down to the fact that I can't force her to love her grand kids. At least when they are older I can tell them and show them how I tried, but how she kept denying them love and acceptance. If I were this person I would feel so ashamed of myself. There are people out there who would give anything to have grand kids, and here you are with them and you just turn them away. That is sickening and it really makes my heart break for those two.
I do wonder how their fathers mother can even live with herself, but I guess if you are a heartless b***c then things that affect normal people wouldn't affect you. I just do not get how she can do this to her own flesh and blood. She claims that they are all so family oriented because they had a daughter die of cancer however many years ago. I am sorry but if you lost a family member wouldn't you cling to those family members that you have that are alive and cherish being with them instead of making up excuses EVERY time you are offered a visit with them or to baby sit them? I think she plays that out way too far though and uses it as a crutch in situations where she has no other excuse. She blames the most ridiculous things on it. She butts into mine and her sons arguments and ends by saying you know I had a daughter that died, and I don't need this stress in my life. Congrats sweety pie don't get involved in my argument then and maybe you wouldn't cause yourself to be stressed out. Just a thought!
Having been through this I now understand why domestic violence is such a hard thing for people to come to terms with. No one wants to say anything about it because they are afraid no one will believe them. Which is exactly what happens. Been there done that & that is why their fathers side of the family have shunned my kids. Its like because they can not open their eyes enough to realize the hell he has put me through they just insist that I am a liar. They all know that he has a huge anger problem too, but it is inconceivable that he would EVER hit me in their eyes. The police have recordings of the phone conversations we had they have pictures of the bruises and cuts all over my body, but they really really believe that I "beat myself up"!? Talk about in denial! Why the hell would I have any motive to beat myself up on a weekly basis!? They always fall back to then why did you keep going back to him. Honestly I really don't know why I did I just felt like I needed him to be whole and I couldn't live without him. After talking with some women at the women's shelter they have here I learned that it is not uncommon for women to go back to their abusers. It is called battered women's syndrome, and it happens in most domestic violence cases. Hence the reason why the judge refused to remove the no contact order.
I feel really bad for my kids because I was only trying to protect them but in doing, so now they only have my side of the family. Regardless of if they think that I am lieing or not how could they take it out on the kids. Is it really like they asked to have a messed up family life...no they didn't. It just really pisses me off that she can acknowledge 2 of her grand kids but leaves mine out as well as her oldest grandson. But what else can I do I have put my efforts in for her to be there and be a Grandmother to my kids but she refuses. I guess it just comes down to the fact that I can't force her to love her grand kids. At least when they are older I can tell them and show them how I tried, but how she kept denying them love and acceptance. If I were this person I would feel so ashamed of myself. There are people out there who would give anything to have grand kids, and here you are with them and you just turn them away. That is sickening and it really makes my heart break for those two.
I do wonder how their fathers mother can even live with herself, but I guess if you are a heartless b***c then things that affect normal people wouldn't affect you. I just do not get how she can do this to her own flesh and blood. She claims that they are all so family oriented because they had a daughter die of cancer however many years ago. I am sorry but if you lost a family member wouldn't you cling to those family members that you have that are alive and cherish being with them instead of making up excuses EVERY time you are offered a visit with them or to baby sit them? I think she plays that out way too far though and uses it as a crutch in situations where she has no other excuse. She blames the most ridiculous things on it. She butts into mine and her sons arguments and ends by saying you know I had a daughter that died, and I don't need this stress in my life. Congrats sweety pie don't get involved in my argument then and maybe you wouldn't cause yourself to be stressed out. Just a thought!
My first blog!
My life is not easy by any means, but I wouldn't change it for the world! I am a full time single mother to 2 of the worlds most amazing kids! I also have an 8 year old son who my parents adopted from me when I was 15. Even though he doesn't live with me he still knows me as Mommy.
My life is filled with up and downs! The joys and excitement of watching my children grow as well as watching my own progression into the adult world. I have come along way from what I used to be & that is for sure! Just recently I have started to see some peoples true colors shinning through all of their fake smiles which is making it easy to close another bad chapter of my life.
More to come later after the kids are in bed!
My life is filled with up and downs! The joys and excitement of watching my children grow as well as watching my own progression into the adult world. I have come along way from what I used to be & that is for sure! Just recently I have started to see some peoples true colors shinning through all of their fake smiles which is making it easy to close another bad chapter of my life.
More to come later after the kids are in bed!