Dreams

Last night I had the most amazing dream ever. I dreamed that Seth and I were laying on our living room floor playing with our kids. In my dream our kids were our son Thomas that we share together and Nataleigh and Tayden who are mine and someone else’s. All the kids were the exact same kids but they were ours. Nothing really big happened in the dream other than us talking and laughing with the kids. When I woke up I just had this amazing feeling as if it had really happened. You know the type of feeling that you have after you spend a fantastic day with someone you care about or after doing something really fun. I had that feeling! As Naty would say "It made my heart feel super Happy!" and that is pretty much the only way I can describe how it made me feel =)


Even though it made my heart super happy to have dreamed about being with Seth and having "a family" together. I still have a love hate relationship with those dreams. I am super happy and have a warm fuzzy feeling all over... until I wake up, and try to fall back into that dream and can't. That is when I remember that its only a dream, and he is still gone. My heart aches and my mind doesn't stop wandering back to that dream, and I don't stop wishing that it could be true. And the worst part of all is how unbelievably real the dream feels. Like there are dreams, but then there are those dreams that feel so real that you swear it could have happened. Ever since Seth has been gone every single dream (aside from the really horrible ones I had right after) have felt SOOOOO real!!!

Its probably the goofiest damn thing anyone has ever heard but sometimes I think that maybe he can talk to me through my dreams. The absolute strangest dream that made me start wondering this came to me when I was pregnant with Naty before I even knew she was a girl. I know pregnancy dreams can be pretty crazy, but it wasn't only me that night that had a dream. In my dream I was telling Seth that I was pregnant, and I was really scared, and that I didn't think that I could do it, and I didn't want him to be mad at me. He assured me that everything was going to be just fine and SHE (yes he said she) was going to be the most beautiful baby, and he was going to make sure everything was going to be ok. He promised me and we hugged and kissed and he held me while I cried. At the end of the dream he told me he loved me and wasn't mad, but he had to get some rest, and he laid back down in his bed. Again this was a dream that felt SO real. Later on that morning I got a call from Brandon who was in Alaska. He was telling me how much he loved me and he knew he hadn't been treating me the best, but he was going to try really hard to change that. I was very confused and interested in what had brought all of this on. Since he had been in Alaska he had been SO mean to me, and I was really about ready to wash my hands of him. When he told me that he had a dream and some guy was telling him that he needed to change the way he was treating me or he was going to lose me and then he seen me laughing and holding hands with some other guy. I about had a heart attack!!! How weird is that!?!?

I know it does seem a little bit far fetched, but can dreams really be that coincidental? I don't care what anyone says I think Seth followed through with making sure of things. Don't get me wrong I do believe that Seth will one day go to heaven, but I think since he took his own life that maybe his rules are different. Or maybe I just still make up excuses to force myself into believing that he is still here or could be here!? Who knows!!!! The thought of him still being around kind of makes him not being here seem more bearable. I don't think anyone could ever understand just how much I miss Seth. Its been almost nine years, and I can honestly say that I have thought about him pretty close to every single day since then. Seth will always have a very special place in my heart!! Truth be told I am still grieving and I probably wont stop until I get to see him again! My dreams may only be my mind helping me cope, but they are my dreams and I can interpret them any way I choose!